I get so clumsy

I don’t really have much to say today but I want to try and blog everyday none the less.

Last night I cancelled journey groups due to the road conditions when I was driving home from work. I’m really a little girl when it comes to driving in messy conditions.

I feel awful this morning bc i read a tweet about one of the amazing young men left saying they were still going to discuss the bible last night but it doesn’t look like that ended up happening.

Weather was a pretty lame reason for me to cancel.

Also a good friend told me something yesterday that kept me up most of the night thinking. “I’m consumed with what people think and say about me”. Initially I thought no way…but the more i thought about it the more I see they are right.

I am always thinking “I hope this person thinks i’m doing the right thing” “I hope they don’t think this” “I hope they wern’t talking about me” “Are they upset with me” “They didn’t say much to me, are they mad at me” “Do they think i’m doing a good job” “Are they proud of me” “What do they think about me”

And a lot..not always I make decsions/assumtions based on what I think the answers to those questions are. 

I listen to a song by Chris Rice a lot that kinda sums up how I feel at the moment.

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for 28 years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reachin’ out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down (again)
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I have a long way to go. Better get on getting there.

Overwhelmed

So…In the past few days I have felt really overwhelmed and discouraged. I would say I have a lot on my plate in the emotional arena.

My dad is back in the hospital for cancer
Mom told me a financial person came in their room and was giving them a hard time about their new bill from this past week. Its 17,000 as of 2 days ago and they are not sure if its going to continue to be taken care of by the hospital.
During this I am planning a wedding which arrives in 8 months.
I’m trying to finalize my dad adopting me.
My mom and dad expressed a lot of concern about not being able to attended the wedding bc of my dads bone marrow transplant.
My doctor tells me I may have to be on a medication he put me on 2 years ago for the rest of my life bc of a rare symptom called “saratonin withdrawl snydrom”. May not seem like a big deal but I hate being on a medication.
That and I feel incredibly inadequate.

So…the devil is really trying to discourage me. And i’m discouraged. Which I’m dissapointed about.

But…thats not why i’m overwhelmed…I’m Overwhelmed that my Savior. My Father. My God loves a messed up joker like me.

With all that stuff going on in my life He is right there next to me holding my hand. Yet i’m looking to my own strength and courage to get me through. Which is why i’m discouraged. Yet He is still there…poking me in the shoulder…saying “Hey, Josh. I’m still right here. I didn’t go anywhere. Let Me help you carry that. No, not just that. ALL of it. I told you my yoke is light.”

Why do i so easily go back to trying to do it myself? I don’t know. But I am overwhelmed at His great love for me.

I want you on board….Or I expect your resignation

So..I’m watching 24 on Monday. The president is sitting at the head of the table and is discussing, with the joint chiefs and her cabinet, the invasion of Sangalla to save the people from mass genocide by the hands of an evil General. So everyone is on board with the Presidents plan except the secretary of state. He begins listing off reason after reason (and some good ones that make sense) why we should not go ahead with the invasion.

So the president cuts him off and says…Tom, the discussion is over. The decsion has been made. I want you on board, or i expect your resignation on my desk in the morning.

WOW!!!

I was driving to work this morning and God hit me with that. “I want you on board or I expect your resignation.”

How many of us through our life stlye tell God we are not on board with His plan to save the people of this world? I will tell you this…He is saying I want you on board or I need your resignation!

How many of us argue and bicker and question the direction the pastor is taking your church. How many of you create so much work with your divisiveness that Gods vision which he put on your pastors heart can’t be accomplished. I’ll tell you this God is saying I want you on board or I expect your resignation!!

Is God speaking to you today? Is He saying? Hey you…what are you doing?!? Stop argueing with Me about this!! Stop living like that!! We’ve talked about it enough.

I NEED YOU ON BOARD OR I WANT YOUR RESIGNATION!!

Think about it…

Too close to the edge…

So there is this little boy who fell out of bed…When his mom asked him what happen he replied “I don’t know, I guess i stayed too close to where I got in.”

How many of us can relate this to our walk with God? I challenege you to examine your walk.

How often did you pray when you first excepted Christ into your life, How much do you pray now?
How often do you study Gods love letter written to you now compared to when you first came to know him?

Don’t stay to close to where you got in…you WILL fall off the edge.

Waiting for God to ONLY do the miraculous? Don’t wait too long…

I read something today about faith. YA know the old story about the guy sitting on top of his roof during a flood? He is sitting there content as can be having rock solid faith that God is going to come save him. Well as the story goes a row boat, motor boat and finally a helicoptor come to rescue this dumb farmer and his reply each time was “I have faith: The Lord will protect me” “My faith is strong. I’ll be fine” and “The Lord will provide”.

The guy ends up drowning with his house. So he gets up to the pearly gates and tries to reem Jesus a new one. He wanted to know what happened. “Lord, I had such faith in You! How could you have abandonded me?” The Lord explained that he sent 3 different people to rescue him.

How many of us miss Gods answers to our prayers because we are only looking for the miraculous and miss Gods simple practical answer to our prayers?

Like the farmer we are waiting for a whirlwind to come and pick us up and safely drop us on some dry ground.
For the person who is in debt…we pray to win the 230 million dollar power ball and get all bent out of shape when we don’t. Why is God going to trust you with so much when you were irresponsible with what you had?

Like the farmers boats and helicopter….What if the person in debt recieved 50$ from their parents and 20$ from gandama and won a stop and shop gift card. Maybe that was God answering their prayer 3 different times.

The farmer missed 3 great opportunites to be a part of a miricle. Just wasn’t the kind of mircle he was looking for.

I think to often I miss out on Gods answers to my prayers because I am looking for some supernatural cosmic event where God splits heaven wide open.

Don’t miss an answer to prayer because you won’t except anything but the “miraculous”.

Every answer is a miracle. Don’t miss out on God working in your life by means of a simple answer.

The Son does whatever the Father does…(John 5:19)

That was said of Jesus…
Can we now say that as ourselves…If you ever needed a gauge of your devotion/relationship to Christ there it is…
Christ often went alone to pray by himself before great decsions were made…
Christ memorized scripture

I know I do not measure up to that fully. I don’t do “whatever” the Father does. This is sure going to be a verse I memorize and remind myself more and more that I need to become more Christlike.

Well Done Good and Faithful Servant

I can not wait for my Savior to look me in the eyes and say those words. That will make it all worth it. So many times in the past I have been bummed out because after I had put in a lot of hard work on something or did something really huge for someone…they really didn’t appreciate what was done for them. Not that it really mattered bc i wasn’t doing it for the priase but I think as people we long for some appreciation. It just wasn’t time.

Everyone wants to be recognized for a job well done. Have faith that all the things your doing in Christs name are being recognized and Jesus himself will one day stand in front of you and hopefully say…”Well done good and faithful servant” Wow!!

I’m back

So, i’ve been busy since my last post. I have been doing lots of wedding planning with Dominique and I am happy to say that we have almost everthing picked out or planned!!

My dad’s cancer came back so we are praying for him hardcore. It has definately been a struggle for the entire family. He is back home now after his latest round of chemo. Once the cancer goes back into remission he will have a bone marrow transplant. God miraculously provided a facility where he is going to get that done for free. Normally that procedure costs 2,000,000 dollars. Yes that many zeros.

Funny thing is though that God is still as present as He ever was. I think sometimes people think a presence of tragedy means an absence of God but i def think thats the opposite.

God is always there no matter the circumstance and I believe/know that He is there especially vigilant when His children are hurting or in pain.

He says our parents give us good things… how much more does He want to do, give, be there etc for us.

Anywho…thats enough for today.

Talk to you soon.

God Thang part II

Ok God is also consistent. This morning I filled up my gas tank. I got 465 miles out of my tank last fill up!!! That is C-R-A-Z-Y. I am excited to see what else God has in store for me!

Open House tomorrow

Soooo. I get to be a host tomorrow! However,I am bummed I have to miss cammies birthday party! Tonight I have to clean the basement and get everything all spiffy for my guests! There will be an assortment of goodies! Sweedish meatballs, stuffed mushrooms, strombolli, veggies, and cheese & crakers! Whoo Hoo! I am very happy in our new home just can’t wait to get married so I am not all lonely in that place!! Hope to see those who can make it!