Hand-In-Hand
Well wow. Today is going to be more about me venting on paper/screen. Random just sharing.
So I about had a panic attack last night. I guess I was overwhelmed with everything going on.
Between:
1. My dad battling a life threatening cancer
2. The wedding- Paying for it
3. Hearing last night Dominique only has 2 months left of her Job.
4. Contemplating all the bad senerios that could put us in.
5. The Dr. cutting my medication in an effort to get off of it (which he said wouldn’t be good if something stressful happens or is happening but i’m a stubborn ox so 
i am doing it anyway).
6. Just feeling plain down and not turning to God with all this.
WHAMO At about 8 last night it all whapped me right in the kisser.
It’s hard for me to not internalize everything and let go and give it to God. I bottle everything up un-intentionally until i feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It’s like my defense mechanism so I don’t get hurt. As I was growing up I got into the habit of doing that after my dad died with all the hurt that came into my life and am finding it a terribly hard thing to now overcome at 28.
So- it’s not about all the crappy stuff going on. I just don’t know how to let things go and give them to God from the place I put em. I need to remember He is with me at every turn! Praise Him that He is faithfully there always even after 28 years of me remembering that fact after I have tried to carry the load myself.
On another tangent…at journey groups we were talking about loss and why i waited so long to get my liscense etc..the subject of the people I had lost from car accidents came up and people I lost in general. It got me thinking the past few days.
God is freakin awesome.
I should be in a loony bin somewhere or a drug addict or both.
Don’t read this list and feel bad for me.
Read this list and say wow God had to have been walking with Josh since he was six becasue nothing else makes any sense. I am sure people have been through worse but these circumstances combined with how emotional I am and just who I am…If He wasn’t with me I would be more of a basket case than I already am lol.
Then know that God is walking with you hand in hand in whatever circumstance your in. Don’t hold things inside give them to Him because He will take them and take the burden from you! Don’t bottle it up!
Age six- Lose my father in a car accident/ Moved in with my grandparents (two of my closest friends)
Age nine- Lose my best friend Alex in a car accident
Age eleven- My cousin took his own life after moving out of our house
Age Thirteen- Lose my friend Billy Given in a house fire
Age fifteen- Lose my friend Jason Varrato in a car accident
Age Seventeen- Lose my Grandfather (one of my best friends) and My friend Omar Irvin to a drug shooting.
Age Twenty Three- Lose a previous girlfriend Erica Watson in a car accident
Age Twenty Seven- Lose my grandmother (One of my best friends) to cancer
Now I’m terrified with the situation my father is going through.
For me to be where I am today is a miracle straight from Heaven. Thank God that He loved me enough to walk me through each and every one of those circumstances to bring me where I am today. Thank Him that He is still helping me get where i need to be. I thank Him that He is still with me today teaching me and molding me.
I love you Jesus. If no one has told you today. Your the bomb!
When you’re going through stressful times like these satan will do ALL he can to deter you from doing the RIGHT thing…lean on your Heavenly Father! You need to stop and think at these times, cuz when you go to Him, you will grow like you never have before. The hard part is your flesh always wants to run at these times. It’s where all your past times with Jesus pay off, it’s a reminder of where He is. “Be strong and courageous…” Tell Dominique I am so sorry about her job! I know she said it was coming at some point. Is she working on resumes?? I’ll be praying!
Thanks Rach.
She is finishing her resume up tonight while I am at the gym! Then on Monday she is sending it out in mass!!
I know it. It gets me depressed! All the time I think I am turning to Him then i fold and realize nope…you were trying to get through that yourself.
Wow… God has and is walking with you… and loves you enough to see you through all of this.